You get to be a better person while doing absolutely nothing. All you have to do is not eat for 25 hours and sit in a room full of other starving schmucks. It’s basically an ancient cult wellness retreat, minus the wellness.
Everyone is equally miserable. Rich, poor, hot, hideous. For one long day, we’re all in this sinking ship together. Isn't that beautiful?
It's a holiday about second chances. You can be a dick all year, and instead of spending thousands of dollars on therapy, you get to hash it out with THE LORD in a room full of your neighbors who have probably also been dicks.
You don't have to buy anyone anything. Most holidays involve gifts or food. This one only asks that you drag your sorry ass to schul.
You get to skip work for spiritual reasons. Some people take lavish vacations to the Greek islands. Others fake a stomach bug. You get to spend a glorious day off at your local shul, famished and reflecting on what a rotten piece of shit you’ve been.
You can finally stop pretending you're a good person. Being good is exhausting. Sometimes you want to be petty, vindictive, and a full-blown Sith Lord. Yom Kippur is your annual reminder that even Darth Vader got a redemption arc, and that guy blew up a fucking planet.
You get to spend a whole day thinking about yourself. Is it narcissism or Self-reflection? An anxiety spiral or spiritual enlightenment? Who cares! You're the main character. The galaxy orbits around you today.
You get to be right about being wrong. You can admit you've been an asshole and somehow come out of the experience a better person. The worse you are, the better you feel. It's the only holiday where being a piece of shit gives you a competitive advantage. It's a beautiful system that somehow rewards both the problem and the solution.
You get to take responsibility for your own happiness. You cannot control what other people do. You can only control how you respond, what you learn, and whether you send that deranged 14 paragraph text you've been drafting in your Notes app. (Don't send it. Let that motherfucker figure it out himself.)
You get to sleep all afternoon. If you’re a normie who doesn’t plan on spending the entire day in temple, you can simply sleep through the worst of the fast. You’re not wasting the day. Think of it as a religiously sanctioned coma.
Yom Kippur also makes for some great memes. Here are my greatest hits over the years.
G'mar chatimah tovah!
גמר חתימה טובה
You’re the best brother